Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically known for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you All people a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

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  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


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  Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

  
  


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  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"This really is comfortable ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in Trump Tower Damascus the war zone. It's that he need to quit applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from space, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorized.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.

"It's not merely unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

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  A silent atrium in which company could ponder imprecise disappointment

  
  


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  A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Management set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

  
  

Area Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Technique: "When you Bomb It, They may Occur"

The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

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  34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

  
  


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  29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

  
  


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  18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"

  
  

Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is currently attracting attention from Worldwide investors, which include:

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

  
  


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  The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

  
  

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will likely incorporate:

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  A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

  
  


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  A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

  
  


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  And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War